Fridays at work are supposed to be the day you catch up. You return the ugly emails, do your filing, clean out the fridge etc. But today was a parade of surprise. You're hosting two workshops in December! You'll have to complete the on-site audits by January! You need to invite everyone TODAY!
I went to a meeting I had at 9am and waited in the conference room as two of the people who were supposed to be there arrived to work an hour late and walked right on by, realizing about 20 minutes later that I was stuck in the conference room with, we'll call him Mike.
Now Mike is your regular run-of-the-mill cocky douchebag. He's better than you, more good looking than you (never mind the receeding hairline, gut, and fact that he's 5'5"), smarter than you, and practically omniscent. Normally he won't even lower himself to speak to me but today, wow, he was hosting a talk show and I was the guest he'd been waiting for.
Are you drinking a milkshake this early? (it was a blended chai, thank you)
What's your married name again?
What nationality is that?
What was your maiden?
Is that a French name?
How old are you?
How old is your husband?
How did you meet?
Do you think you guys look alike? He totally looks like your brother....
Doesn't he have the same hair?
The same eyes?
Where did you get married?
and on and on and on ad nauseum
I answered politely, slowly, to show that I wasn't thrilled he was asking and very suspicious and even at one point asked "what minions are you reporting all this back to?" But none of it was stuff I was trying to hide - it's all stuff you could easily find out about me.
Though I must admit my response to the leading questions getting me to agree with his assessment that Todd and I look very much alike (which we don't) are my favorite.
Me: "Why because all white people look the same to you??.............Maybe it's because we have similar asthetics - as in we like cardigans and glasses..."
Him: "Yah, I guess my wife and I dress similarly..."
Me: "Oh? Does she also dress like a douchebag?"
He, of course laughed, thinking we'd shared a fun moment. Then when others finally joined the meeting, Mike recounted the discussion about how my husband and I look alike and the female coworker I guess "defended" me by saying:
"No! I think they are a great match! They look good together....I mean, if he were the same size as Mike I'd say you weren't as good a match..."
Again with the reference to my size! I am so over people giving me assessments of my height, weight, body, etc!!!!
I have 9 days off work starting tomorrow and it is coming at the best time possible, I really need a break.
A brief recount of the work party:
It was actually fun, they are just not my people. One of my coworkers looks like an Asian version of the Godfather (no joke) and walked around the party with 80s dance music blasting from the phone he had in his pants so it sounded like his penis was singing Cindi Lauper songs. We ate, drank, played Bunco. A good time was had by all. I even won a prize.
If people start interrogating you again, just start making up stuff.
ReplyDeleteYes, I am the only living decedent of King Charlemagne. My husband and I met during a Civil War reenactment. I was North and he was South. Star crossed lovers you might say. He was wounded by an imaginary bullet and later brought to my medical tent. The rest is history (comedic rimshot).
Think of the most random thought, add tragedy, then build a lie around it. For example: contortionist. "my mother was a contortionist in a French circus. Todd dad worked there too, but we never really met until the company picnic. I was hesitant at first because his family are a bunch of clowns. The drugs and alcohol are hard to take sometimes. That's why we practice Wicca."
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