Now, with less ulcers!

I looked back at my 30 before 30 and I was appalled. Why am I so set on pressuring myself? I decided I'd make a list of 5 things to do in the next 27 months (oh jeez, is that all the time there is until that birthday?)
1. Finish my masters in May 2013
2. Finish my wedding album
3. Create a spending plan
4. Pay my credit card debt off
5. Learn to drive stick

Here's my logic:
1. I'm going to finish my degree anyhow so might as well make it an official, written-down goal
2. I just bought a Shutterfly groupon that expires at the end of next month for motivation
3. I have a financial advisor that is counseling us pro-bono so might as well take advantage
4. Who wants that?
5. Seems like a safety thing since Todd refuses to buy automatic cars and if we're ever out and he twists his ankle or something...just seems like something I should really know how to do.

I can watch roller derby, pay other people to hem my pants and buy apple pies. No use in doing everything - isn't that an econ principle? Everyone benefits from specialization in a trade economy? I'll edit your grant application if you bake me a pie. Seems fair.

Sad.

I just feel like a lump of sad. If you google image search "lump of sad" you will get cartoons of children either sick or sad at their empty Christmas stockings, fat people, a sad football player, a sad snake, an engine, a man climbing into a fake plane, Jesus with a headache and something about the Tea Party freaks encouraging you to tea bag the liberal dems before they do it to you. It was more fruitful than I imagined.

I feel like quality control is slipping. I'm used to being a good employee and a great wife but now I'm an okay student, an okay employee and an okay wife. I feel like the products that get sent through the last quality control mechanism in the manufacturing process and that I've been turned to the sad pile of off-looking skittles and oddly shaped light bulbs, ready to be melted back down and try it all again. Maybe next time I'll be the right color and shape.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this but someone told me in May or so that I'd "lost my sparkle" and I totally feel it. I'm only really, super happy on the weekends. I am never excited to come to work. It all kinda feels like drudgery. The worst part: I can't tell you what I'd rather be doing. Maybe just doing school full-time? I don't think I'd be done any quicker. What about interning? Not sure I want to go backwards and start fresh. How about something creative? Well then why the heck am I getting a degree?

Until then, I'll just be a misshapen crayon.

To all the boys I've loved before...

I always thought the expression "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" was silly when used in reference to relationships. I know exactly who's walking away: a big turd. Maybe that only works when you lose someone good...I don't know what that's like...haha.

Though I do think the phrase makes sense in reference to things. It might sound crazy, but if you think on it, you'll come up with that favorite pair of scissors you can't find or that Astronaut t-shirt you lost when you moved. Todd talks about a blanket he lost as a child like he lost it in Vietnam during a heated battle but I think it was just left at a hotel.

My mom and I had a flashback last night talking about a giant floating holiday island complete with drink holders and Santa Claus that used to grace their pool. She loaned what became lovingly known as "Aqua Santa" (he has a song, if you'd like to hear it...ask me) and that family broke it. The lady's name she loaned it to was Sarah and when she said that I remembered my childhood friend Sarah who I loaned my mom's Guess? jean shorts to and never got back. She was SO MAD at me and now I understand why.

I got into a little fender bender three weeks ago today. It was my fault, I'll spare the details, let's just say I was distracted (NOT on a cell phone, don't worry). I had to take my car into a shop that took a long time, not because they sucked, they are METICULOUS. But when I got Kikuki (yes, that's her name, she's 100% Japanese) back today, that phrase made sense.

Kikuki is a bright red 2007 Honda Fit sport. She is bright and zippy and sweet. I LOVE that car. It's my first new car, the first car I've ever bought all on my own; it's the car we rely on for road trips, the car that gets me to work and school, the car that has NEVER had any maintenance issues. I LOVE that car. I seriously got a little teary just getting back in the driver's seat.

I've been renting a Dodge Avenger and it was pretty lame. It was big and felt maybe safer than my car - like if someone hit me I might not notice because it was so freaking huge. Todd had been calling it "The Great White Buffalo" and I think that nickname fit. But when I got back in Kikuki I was so happy; I'd missed her! She is so sporty and fun - that car totally suits me and to think, I had been flirting briefly with the idea of getting a newer new car. Shame on me! Can you forgive me, Kikuki?